The Wrong Cup
by GrandEclectus
Summary: Janeway must complete an arduous negotiation with a difficult Ambassador for some crucial supplies if the Voyager hopes to continue its journey home.


The Wrong Cup 

By: AnitaLife  
Fandom: Star Trek: Voyager -- No Spoilers.  
Characters: Janeway, Chakotay and the senior staff  
Rating: G—Comedy May 2007, Complete.

Synopis: Janeway must complete an arduous negotiation with a difficult Ambassador for some crucial supplies if the Voyager hopes to continue its journey home.

Janeway led her regal guests on a tour of Voyager, which included a pass through the bridge. The entourage included The Grand High and Mighty S'al-al alam of the Rethoray who was the Ambassador for the Rethoray people and three very prim and proper concubines as well as five servants who bore food and beverages and catered to the every whim of the Ambassador.

The S'al-al alam also employed a sycophantic translator, ignoring the perfect rendition of the negotiations afforded by the Universal Translator. He would not speak to anyone unless his Translator recited the words and had a chance to return his replies—and demands— back to Janeway. The entire conversation echoed twice, sometimes three times, if he felt the need, which he often did.

It was obvious that this group met with other cultures quite often and had a well-rehearsed routine. They anticipated each other's movements and moods, like actors who had performed the same play for many years or synchronized dancers. Janeway admired their rapport.

The S'al-al alam sniffed at Janeway. His flaring nostrils signaled his disdain for a mere female who dared to command this ship. He often glanced pointedly at Chakotay, Tuvok, or Neelix, hoping that one of them would take over. Janeway considered it. Her staff was more than competent. At this juncture, she would rather excuse herself and jump into a hot bath. Though a tempting idea, she deemed it necessary to continue.

Janeway's group looked dashing in their dress uniforms, but the marathon negotiations had taken its toll on her long suffering officers. Chakotay tugged at his collar and Tuvok simply appeared more staid than usual. Neelix seemed none the worse for wear. He was enjoying his role as her Ambassador and his effusive verbal offerings had dotted the day.

Negotiations had not been going well. And Voyager would not be going anywhere without a trade agreement with the Rethoray leader.

"I require nourishment!" S'al-al alam announced. "We shall retire to your finest dining hall and I shall be refreshed."

Without hesitation, the group seemed to dance into position. The concubines assumed a position that telegraphed that they had rehearsed their movements thousands of times at the behest of the Ambassador. The Translator posed appropriately as did the serving staff.

"Of course, Ambassador S'al-al alam," Janeway began.

"Of course, Ambassador S'al-al alam," the Translator echoed.

"Neelix!" he bellowed. "You are a creature who understands a proper repast! Take us, now!" He clapped his four pairs of tentacles, shocking the air.

"Neelix!" the Translator repeated. "You are a creature who understands a proper repast! Take us, now!"

Neelix paused for a moment, but Janeway nodded slightly in his direction, giving him permission to proceed as seamlessly as she could. She was going to need a three-day bath after this exchange.

"Zthanik! Prepare us our drinks!" Ambassador S'al-al alam bellowed to one of his servants.

---------------

The impeccably decorated mess hall was full of Voyager's senior staff at the insistence of the Ambassador. "I like to see just what kind of creatures I'm dealing with!" he told them.

"Except than accursed photonic!" The S'al-al alam roared. "I never trusted their kind! Can't believe you people have one on board. I would never have it."

Kim, Paris, B'Elanna and Seven joined the group and many other crewmembers rounded out the party.

Food materialized under the supervision of the Ambassador's chef. Sumptuous provisions of every shape and color flooded all available surfaces. The Rethorian serving staff distributed plates piled high with alien delicacies and filled every cup to the brim.

Janeway was content to sip her replicated wine. It did have a pleasant bouquet but it had no real alcohol content. She needed perfect clarity to conclude their trade agreement. Perfect. Clar…uh…deee.

The Ambassador was boasting about the spoils of his last victory against an upstart colony.

"…And then he sniveled at my feet and begged me for mercy! What a fool!"

Giggles erupted on cue from the concubines and they all stopped precisely at the same moment. Neelix sat on the edge of his seat. Tuvok and Chakotay mirrored one another's postures and Janeway even thought she detected a discreet synchronized eye roll from her senior officers.

"Mercy!" he bellowed. "Can you imagine! A Quag-ar General, begging for mercy? So, I took my nee'thorac and removed his…"

"Mercy!" cried Janeway slamming the table. "That's what I'd like, hows 'bout ew-you, Tuvok!" Janeway rose from her chair, and pulled the neck of her dress uniform open, revealing the top of her chest.

Stunned silence reigned as all the bipeds in the room did perfect imitations of bug-eyed monsters.

"Wee'ff spent tha whole da-ay wif you and now all I WANT is QUIET!" she shouted.

"Chakotay to the Doctor. Report to the Mess Hall immediately!" There was no response to Chakotay's order.

"Captain!" Neelix interjected. "You must be ill." He ran to her side and tried to take her arm. She pulled easily away from the shocked Talaxian.

"Oh no!" she staggered forward. "I'fve nefer felt bether in my lif. My leef. My laf!" she insisted.

"Captain," Seven said reading from her tricorder with a puzzled glare. "You are experiencing an advanced state of inebriation." She shared her reading with Tuvok, whose eyebrow lifted in Vulcan surprise.

"Harry!" she shouted, ignoring the pronouncement of the lovely ex-Borg.

"Ah, yes ma'am," he responded tentatively.

"You are as cute as a…button!" she burped. "What's a button?" She looked deeply puzzled. "You are just a cute as one and I would pinth ee-your cheek if it weren't stho fawr acwoss de room."

Tuvok and Chakotay flanked the Captain, but she pushed them away.

"Thom! Thom Paris!"

"Ah, here."

"I wouldn't mind letting you fly me to… Oh, sthorry Blanna. Captain's privilege!"

"Just you try it." B'Elanna shot back.

"Shh, B'Elanna." Paris tried. "She's obviously not well!"

"'Shhh' yourself, Tom!"

Tom and B'Elanna started a heated argument amid the confusion.

"Captain!" Chakotay tried to stop Janeway, who had become a besotted force of nature with no warning.

"What is this folly?" bawled the indignant Ambassador. "Is this how you creatures conduct yourselves at an important diplomatic meeting?"

"What is this folly?" repeated the Translator. "Is this how you creatures conduct yourselves at an important diplomatic meeting?"

"Get him outta here!" Janeway barked at the Translator. "I got this calamari's demands the firfth time 'round!"

"What!?" the Ambassador screeched. "How dare you!"

"Really, sir!" Neelix ventured, ever trying to assuage everyone. "Our Captain is obviously suffering from ill effects of the wine. She may have been drugged."

"Are you accusing us of something, Neebix?" The deliberate mispronunciation spat at the shaken Talaxian. With that the Ambassador pushed his befuddled Translator to the side.

The Captain continued her rampage. "Tuvok! Next time you get that poon farm thang, look me up because ith's been about seven years…"

"Harry, Paris, B'Elanna!" Chakotay commanded. "Get down to sickbay and get the doctor up here!" Paris and B'Elanna emerged from their quarrel. "Now!" Chakotay shouted. Harry broke from his shock. The trio hurried off to retrieve the Doctor. 

"Chakotay!" she reached up to her first Officer's face, patting his cheek. "You're suth a nith man! And so boo-di-full, dih ew-oo know thath? I think ew'orr jus' bea-u-ti-ful."

"Captain, you're not well!" Chakotay looked pained.

"Lemme finith! I yam noth dawn wif ew-you yet!" She clambered up onto a table and kicked platters to the deck. She skated on spilled sauces and drinks.

"I'm the Captain! I'm the Captain!" she chanted.

"Cha-ko-tay!" she yelled. "My people haf a legend! Yeth, we do! About a strong, slender—an' boo-di-full—warrior woman who had the hots for her hunky Firth Off-ee-cer!"

"Captain! Stop!" Chakotay called. "Seven, get everyone out of here!"

Seven began herding the stunned crewmembers from the room.

"Cha-ko-tay, you are O-kay with me," she sang. "I don't even care if you're supposed to be a traitorous Maquis renegade! Tuvok was wrong about you! I still love you! Always have."

"Captain!"

"Kathryn! You should alwrays cawl me Kathryn!"

"Kathryn, please come down from there."'

"Meh-be I shud." For a moment it looked as if she would, but then a quick, "No!" she smiled like an errant child and continued her table dancing demolition of the feast.

Ambassador S'al-al alam was spatting with Neelix, who had lost his cool demeanor when the alien began spouting an endless array of insults. His court Translator could not keep up with the barrage of rapid-fired words.

"Obviously your kind were raised by ten-headed, twelve-toed glornets on a spath'el farm! Your parental units must have been appalled by the horror of your mutant features and you were no doubt buried beneath a storvectch bush. But the Nargazzian scum eaters refused to consume the remains of your putrid flesh!"

"Ambassador, I hardly think that attitude is necessary!" gushed Neelix, taken aback by what the Ambassador's pronouncements.

"Who are you to talk about attitude? You all need to crawl back to that sub-planetoid Earth of yours—no doubt the rattick's end joke of its sector— and evolve for a few million more years before you can present yourselves in polite inter-species company!"

"I…I.." Neelix stammered. The Concubines giggled.

"You allow this crazed Zardoxian trollop to order you about, as if she had the right! She should be extorting half-fethnus for sexual favors from drunken Chlornian leeches at the docks. You are all fifthly, fat, self-indulgent spoiled little rattick-faced sclopples who belong at the heart of an erupting G-Star just to rid the universe of your stench."

"I am NOT fat!" Neelix exploded. "Now see here, you! I've had just about enough of your noxious, pompous, self-important…." Neelix countered, his spots pulsing at his temples.

"I AM important, you kitchen rattick! You are obviously so stupid, you would try to mate with your shorgols on the fifth moon of a Murrari-tah!"

"You are an impossible, deficient, ugly…" Neelix shouted.

"Ugly?!!! How dare you!" The Ambassador grabbed a platter of rare Delasian flake roe and dumped it on the angry Talaxian, who immediately grabbed great gobs of a mashed green root vegetable and mushed it into the Ambassador's maw. Tuvok attempted to intercede, but was rewarded with a bath from the pitchers of blue liquid that were being sloshed between the two aliens. Neelix scored a direct hit to S'al-al alam's head with a large leola root, stunning his opponent into a rare silence.

Meanwhile, Chakotay was trying to retrieve the Captain from the chandelier. She was agile, quick, athletic, and well trained. Even with his physical advantage, she could still do serious damage to herself and others with her powerful legs. Chakotay just barely avoided her kicks and punches.

Finally, the Doctor materialized into the fray, looking mildly annoyed with the mess. He ascertained the treatment and handed the hypo-spray to Chakotay.

"Doctor, hath I efer told ew-you tha' ew-you haf lovely eyes?" Janeway shouted from her vantage point.

"No Captain, I must have missed that." The Doctor re-appeared on a table, took the hypo and injected Janeway before she realized he was there.

"Oh, thah wasn't ferry nithe…" Janeway went limp and the Doctor and Chakotay easily retrieved their fearless leader.

Neelix emerged from a camouflage of mixed substances that was edible only a few moments ago.

"Commander, I must put myself on report immediately and step down as your Ambassador! I'm afraid I've let you all down!" he looked close to tears. "The Ambassador S'al-al alam transported back to his planet. I think I've made a horrible mess of things."

"Nevermind that now, Neelix." Chakotay said with his usual understanding as he watched the Captain taken to sickbay. "This is hardly our finest hour—for any of us."

"I'm sorry!"

"Just get this cleaned up. Make sure you get Tom and B'Elanna to help. Tell them, my orders."

"Yes, sir."

Chakotay looked down at his food-spattered garment and started to smile. He pulled a large chunk of blue blob from his sleeve and shook his head, a dimpled grin forcing its way through, despite himself.

"Sir?" Neelix was worried. "Are you all right? The Captain didn't hit you in the head, did she?"

"No, Neelix, nothing like that." he said. He put his arm around Neelix's shoulder and said conspiratorially, "It's just that I haven't had this much fun since my Academy days." Chakotay gave Neelix another grin and then exited through the doors, which were jammed open by a short caused by tossed liquids.

Neelix was shocked into silence. When Chakotay had left, he shook his head in wonderment. "Humans!" he said. "Hmm. Curious creatures!"

----------------

The Captain awoke on a bio-bed with a horrible headache. Slowly she realized where she was and what she had done only the day before. Each image came back to her with a throbbing stab to her temple.

"Ah, I see you've rejoined the living," the EMH intoned cheerfully.

"Was I dead?" she asked.

"No, of course not. Just a figure of speech," he said as he injected her. "I'm glad you like my eyes. I'm not quite sure they're my best feature, but…"

"Doctor." she interjected.

"Yes."

"Never bring that up again."

"Oh, yes, of course," he agreed quickly.

"What happened?"

"You were drugged," he stated without embellishment.

"Would you care to elaborate?" she asked, running her hand over her face.

"Ah, Commander, just in time. I was just telling the Captain about the incident."

Chakotay had chosen that moment to enter Sickbay.

"The 'incident'? Is that what we're calling it?" she said wryly.

"It's as good a name as any," Chakotay beamed a smile at her and placed a vase of hydroponic's best blooms near her bed.

"Thank you. They're lovely. Why are you so happy?" she said, her voice cracking. "We still have to get the energy converters and supplies. If we don't get what we need, we'll be moving to Rethoray—permanently. And somehow, I don't think we'd be very welcome."

"Not a problem!" he chimed.

"I suppose we can appeal to the Rethorian govern…" she started. "What did you say? I'm not sure I'm awake yet."

"I said 'Not a problem'. We found out that one of the servers was a Zardoxian spy, bent on causing as much trouble as possible for the Ambassador. He..ah…what did Tom say, 'slipped you a mickey'."

"A what?"

"In all the diplomatic rush, and frankly all the choreographed pomp and circumstance, Zthanik, a spy who was posing as a servant, drugged you."

"I see. And the Doctor?"

" Zthanik took advantage of the Amabassador's distrust of 'photonics'". He convinced him that the ship would be safer if he disabled our Doctor—he hates 'photonics'. He actually had permission to tamper with our EMH."

The Doctor sniffed as Chakotay continued. "It certainly worked to Zthanik's advantage. It turned out that you had more time to…do what you were doing."

"I'll have them both in irons!"

"Zthanik knew about our armaments and hoped he could trigger a diplomatic incident that would cause us to use our weapons against the Rethorian peoples."

"Are you serious?" she said.

"That's not all. The Grand High and Mighty S'al-al alam of the Rethoray enjoyed his time with Neelix so much that he has sent us double everything we requested along with a cargo hold of supplies and gifts. They've shared some specialized technology that Seven and Tuvok will have a field day trying to figure out and adapt to our needs."

"I wasn't fully aware of everything that was happening," she told him, "but I do seem to recall a rather vehement—and messy—argument between our esteemed Ambassadors."

Chakotay nodded. "It seems that the favorite pastime on Rethoray involves trading insults. They hone it to an art form. If we had continued with our proper channels of decorum, dress uniforms and manners, S'al-al alam would have given us nothing. As it was, he couldn't send a more glowing recommendation to his people."

"Oh!" she moaned.

"What's wrong?"

"I have so many apologies to make."

"I think that can wait. Tom and B'Elanna are spending some time on the holo-deck this weekend. Tuvok is in his glory. That only leaves…"

"Don't say it!" she said. "Oh, Chakotay, I am so very sorry."

"Are you?"

"Yes. Whatever I said, I'm sorry!"

"Pity."

"What's that supposed to mean? You like being called a…something, something traitorous Maquis?"

He leaned forward. She instinctively tried to back away, but he managed to kiss her on her forehead.

"Kathryn, you are a crazed Zardoxian Trollop!" he said with a smile and left her to her thoughts.

_fin_


End file.
